I’ve been watching some pretty interesting movies lately,(fight club, a clockwork orange, the girl with the dragon tattoo so far.More to come.), all based on the twisted psyche that humanity is capable of producing. They’re also based on books. It’s incredible what some authors and directors have the stomach of producing. In its own, cruel, dark way, it is art. 

Life is good. It’s weird being this content. There was always something to worry about, something wrong. I mean there still is, a lot of it. But I’m still chillin’, more than ever. It’s so weird to explain. 

props to me, haven’t been on my usual creeper shit. 

Regret.

I don’t regret anything except getting consumed by a lack of motivation. It’s my own fault, but I can’t help but look back at the summer and think, damn, I should have prepared much better for college than this. I could have been ivy league bound by now had I kept my mind right. But hey I don’t even think I have the personality to coexist with some of the high achievers there. I’m proud of my colleagues that are headed in that direction, because they certainly deserve it. Salute to them. I look at them and think, I could have been the same way. But that requires confidence and selling yourself to people. I’d rather work hard and let my work speak for itself.  But no time for excuses; I’m still going to college for free in the greatest city in the world. I’m still winning in life, so all you haters can suck it. 

^^also probably why I’m not the ivy league type.

If you follow me, stop. Don’t waste your time

All I’m gonna do is bitch about my feelings like a little bitch and then scroll through pics of boobs and cars (thanks Tumblr.)

Anyways, why the hell are the two biggest negatives in my life still so relevant? Why do this to me. The first wants to try and play his role as if the last 6 years of my life didn’t exist. It would have  been better if he actually walked out, not stayed and caused such havoc. And to try and mend it now? When in two weeks you’ll be back at it once again? give me a break. Just go, like we all know you want to do. Oh wait, can’t right? Then be humble towards who got your back. 

And the other. Well she made herself a negative, I didn’t want that. In reality I didn’t lie to her; I withheld the truth, but I didn’t lie. There was a long period of time where I couldn’t do anything with anyone because I was hungover you. During this same time is when you asked me about anyone else: therefore I didn’t lie. If you don’t believe me, it’s cuz you’re lying to yourself. I guess that makes it easier for you to get over me. Just give yourself a reason to hate me, so you can forget about me easier. Sure, great. If only you were just a girlfriend, that would be awesome and I wouldn’t care. But you weren’t. But at the same time stressing over this isn’t healthy. 

Three more months, and my life changes. I’ll be an adult, one step closer to getting the hell away and starting over. If anyone wants to stick around, be my guest. But don’t mess with me the way these two are.

all kinds of sick and tired. 

don’t read

It’s been forever on this, but I like it. No one will know. No one has to, anyways.

Everything is fine. My life is in a generally good space. Nice job, College is set, got my friends to finish HS with. Life is good. Yet my biggest demon still lingers in my life. Seriously, after everything you put us through, you’re healing? What kind of twisted miracle is this. I was hoping for the best, but it turns out that the suffering will continue. And you have the audacity to tell me what to do? It’s been building up all this time, but now I have no where to go with this. My comfort zone, my closest friend, is gone. Is it that hard to separate your feelings for me as a friend and as a lover? Our relationship was so much more than just bf/gf… how do you let that go… it amazes me. 

I only have these two frustrations. It’s not that big of a deal, right? I got this..Right? 

"Its easier to die if others around you are dying."

so goddamn impulsive..